Meet the Martindale Family!
Our family has been created through adoption. More importantly, our family has been transformed through adoption. My husband Mark and I (Julie) live in Elk River, Minnesota, and have added nine children from foster care into our family of four. Our 11 children are between the ages of 14 to 30 and we have learned more than you can imagine from each of them. We have adopted children who have complex medical health complexities, cognitive disabilities, and significant mental health challenges.
Over the years, we have seen our children thrive. We have watched them go far beyond what any doctor or social worker had predicted. Our daughter came to us needing a ventilator and feeding tube to keep alive. She is 14 now, and although she still has a pacemaker, she no longer needs a ventilator or feeding tube. Trust me, she needs no help with eating anymore—just ask the pizza delivery man!
We have also watched our children struggle. Our son came to us at six years old with a horrific trauma history. It started when his birth mother drank heavily through the pregnancy. His diagnosis of fetal alcohol spectrum disorder (FASD) helped us to understand his intense behaviors, including hours of raging. In his teen years, he found drugs. It has been a very long road for him and for us, but we have stood together. He has always known that we will love him, no matter what. His trauma isn’t gone and challenges remain. But he knows how much we love him and that we’ll always be there for him. He is my hero.
We have watched our children suffer. We have held two of our children as they took their last breaths. We have come out of all of this as stronger, more grateful, better humans—and if we had to do it all over again, we would be the first in line to sign back up. Our family has learned that compassion, resiliency, and unconditional love go a long way to help heal the trauma that all children who have been adopted carry with them. One of my kids was at school when someone asked if they were adopted. They responded that they did come to our family through adoption and that they wouldn’t have it any other way. They shared the endless love they feel and how much fun our family has. They may have mentioned the annual Thanksgiving whipped cream fight or the times we would spontaneously sing Christmas carols out of our bus windows. At 27 years old, they just married their best friend. The two of them are now applying to become foster parents themselves.
There were many unexpected challenges that we encountered along the way. When we adopted a child with a medical need, we knew what we were getting into. But when we adopted a child with a hidden disability like FASD, we had no idea what a long and difficult road it would be. We are grateful to live in Minnesota where post-adoption services are available to us. But, there are gaps that need to be filled. We need legal help and support. More families than you can imagine find themselves in court with their children and don’t know how to navigate the system. When a child with trauma enters a family, they often create chaos and trauma that affects siblings, parents, and extended family, and friends. We must consider support services for siblings as well. Parents and siblings sometimes need a break. Respite care services are one of the gaping holes in our system. While our state offers a few dollars an hour to go toward respite care, we need trained and capable respite providers that we can access easily. I believe we need a “one-stop shop” where parents are able to find all the services in one place. Another essential addition that parents often request is to have a peer-to-peer matching program where an experienced and well-trained adoptive parent can mentor a new family through the maze of services.
I have seen many changes in the 30 years that we have been part of the foster care and adoption world. We appreciate the supports that have been put in place. But families across our country are searching for a lifeline; they are drowning. I believe that we should not place a child in a home that is not going to be supported and connected to resources to help everyone in the family thrive. Now it is time to close the gaps that are still barriers for adoptive families. We love our children with such intensity and we fight so hard to give them the best life they can have. But we need more help. As Minnesota’s Senator Paul Wellstone said, “We all do better when we all do better.”
